Early thoughts on Sand Slippers III

White Horse Theory Part IV- 1997

Hello you! Yes, you. I was standing here in DISTRESS and well, being a chick and all I was wondering, questioning, could you put on some armor and come down from your tower for a moment and humor me?

I really don’t ask much. Some simple dragon slaying. Tiny, harmless, mind dragons really and well normally I would tell you to let me handle it, but if you could just once maybe twice save me from myself. I don’t care if the slipper of sand fits; I will walk in it, or you don’t have to bring that even. Just some armor, some safety. Please, I don’t care if, helmets do get in the way I just need some of your grace to ride on for a moment… and… Is that all I want? SAFETY… stop you wimp— shine on armor. Well, I have my own. Assembly required. And it has come to this. Me trying to find some hair to throw down– anything and say hello. Please, I know you have armor. Just use it. Come down from your tower and help me with mine. You must want to the script called for it.

You see… I started out standing on this pedestal. I built for myself. It was abhoridly beautiful and as I went I started climbing down to the true place of my beginning. Now, on hands and knees, weak in my own way, begging– you can’t see me, but this is where we both began.

So maybe it is not the armor I want. Helmets do get in the way. The safety of understanding… coaxing you (trying) out of your tower; leaning to far out of my element, out of my dome like, realistically fake bubble world.

But I don’t care at this point reason [I cling to] has never done more than become one of my largest dragons and no knight can defeat it; for most of the time I find myself fighting against you for it [for me i used to think]. Now it has become a voracious monster of my own making.

I turn to the door to run… I can’t so now I ask for help; listening to my cat in shining armor cry in her (my) defense. I promise to fight on my own side this time. If you could trust that more than I do the belief would take hold. I am not asking anymore. I am just sitting in the rain. The water washes drips down from hair– to eyelashes– then cheeks. I could do this, I am not weak, only tired of fighting myself and anyone who dares to knock on the castle doors.

Pound! I am no Princess! I am no Princess… I am simply a me with pieces of everything barging in at every breath. Only pieces, pieces and I want wholes, alls, everything, oceans endless. Not forever, not eternity. The Infinite is not to be gift wrapped and waiting for me at my door. For we are everything and everything else is us. Endless that is the infinity; we are the pieces.

I am no Princess! That is my reply, I am no Princess.

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Early thoughts on Sand Slippers II

White Horse Theory Part II- 1997

And I don’t need your tan horse to save my soul! My weak, little, fainting damsel of a me. And I don’t care what color you are wonder boy. Personally, I like green. I have my own castle of sorts and I was sleeping just fine until I was interrupted. I don’t want your horse, damn it. I’ve got two feet– they work.

And if you are going my way… we could walk together. You could visit, but I don’t need the fancy entourage of princely gifts o’ crap. It’s a lovely day for a walk in the rain. You need nothing but a you to save your soul. I will take care of mine. If you care… I seem to have lost my slipper. So we could go for a walk –barefoot- in the rain.

Shifting

Do we keep ourselves from doing what we really want to do?

This morning I was writing my journal….That I could invision this life that I wanted for myself, but that it was blurry. That this summer when I have some unstructured time that I would indeed get to see what my days would be like when it was up to me to decide how they flowed….?#&@!!? What….

Is it not up to me to decide now? If not me- then who- who is deciding? Who is this mystical being with which I have entrusted my days?

I want to be a child myself, but there is wood to chop and water to carry.

And what feels like a burden is truly a privelage.

But truly children, also, have **water to chop and wood to carry** They just think differently about it. And so perhaps- once again- I just need to think differently about it. More often than not it is not what I am doing that is the problem– I am simply in great need of a shift in perspective. And this morning I believe that I have indeed shifted.

Early Thoughts on Sand Slippers

The following writings are my first thoughts on sand slippers and prince charming… and all the things that come along with those ideas.

The White Horse Theory

-A pondering in three parts-

White Horse Theory Part I- 1997

So here I am. Just here among other places, waiting for that guy, on the white horse to liberate me from women’s lib– by being chivalrous. Or was that sexually harassing? “Well, it depends if he comes bearing gifts,” says the girl on the left.

Brain pumped full of happy endings. And why always a Prince? Ah… the money, jewels, white horses… gifts; one must be rich for happy endings. NO!? Well, liberate me further. Come to me on foot bearing your heart. That could be chivalrous and non-harassing. Well, it depends on how you look at me. And then the weather… let’s make it depend on the weather.

Could it be simply a weather issue? Oh dear… complications. And where are the opportunities? Asleep in the forest, behind castle walls, lost in cinders. And what about that damn horse? What if it is tan? What if the shoe does not fit? Obliterate me further. Liberate me further. Syndicated, copy-written happy endings– blue light specials on sand slippers and me sitting here among other places. I will find my happy endings but not here.

Eyes Shining

We are eyes shining- looking towards the sun and while “virtue is relative at best” it just means its all relative- so you can simply change the direction in which you are looking.

We are eyes shining
looking towards the sun.
We are standing on mountain tops
surveying the lay of the land
arms outstretched.
We are possibilities unimaginable.
We are particles of light and air
water and earth.
We are strong and flexible,
but break
we will not.

We are eyes shining looking towards the sun.
We are hope personified.
We are trees with tender roots
feeling through the ground
and branches reaching toward the sky.

We are.

e.e. cummings

if everything happens that can’t be done
(and anything’s righter
than books
could plan)
the stupidest teacher will almost guess
(with a run
skip
around we go yes)
there’s nothing as something as one

one hasn’t a why or because or although
(and buds know better
than books
don’t grow)
one’s anything old being everything new
(with a what
which
around we go who)
one’s everyanything so

so world is a leaf is a tree is a bough
(and birds sing sweeter
than books
tell how)
so here is away and so your is a my
(with a down
up
around again fly)
forever was never till now

now i love you and you love me
(and books are shutter
than books
can be)
and deep in the high that does nothing but fall
(with a shout
each
around we go all)
there’s somebody calling who’s we

we’re everything brighter than even the sun
(we’re everything greater
than books
might mean)
we’re everyanything more than believe
(with a spin
leap
alive we’re alive)
we’re wonderful one times one

Becoming

Week 1-2.jpg

This is a journal drawing that I did on growth and what I am trying to become. I have been moving toward becoming the woman that I want to call home. Every day I feel closer and closer to being at home with myself and the woman that I am.

Posted in Art

Learning…

What happens when prince charming rides up on his horse, dismounts, and kneels before you shoe in hand, and the glass slipper does not fit. You try for some time because you think that surely it will work- surely there is a way. And perhaps on some occassions you even manage to pry the shoe on- and you walk around in it for a while. You feel the discomfort and the pain and the wrongness of it all, but it is supposed to work out…. right?

I have used the metaphor of sand slippers for quite some time now, noticing how prince charming can morph into all sorts of things that society claims to be good and true and right. And I have realized that even though the masses clamor on about the inherent goodness of something that sometimes the shoe simply doesn’t fit and you must choose for yourself or simply go barefoot.

I am learning. Learning not to put shoes on that cut my feet, learning when to go barefoot, and when to say yes (even though I have been cut before). I am learning….. and that is my only goal……